March MMAdness!
Ben
Duffy/Sherdog.com illustration
Editor’s note: The views and opinions expressed below are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Sherdog.com, its affiliates and sponsors or its parent company, Evolve Media.
JIM NANTZ: “Hello friends, it’s your host Jim Nantz here. Sit down and relax because you tuned in just in time to see the greatest spectacle in sports. No, I’m not talking about a bunch of 19-year-old kids dribbling basketballs and arguing about possession arrows; I’m talking about us finally revealing the brackets for our 2019 Sweet Sixteen Grand Prix MMA Tournament from Hell! Yes, I said it! Sixteen fighters enter, but only one will leave with the title. One night to prove their mettle and finally figure who the real top dog is, once and for all.”
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JON JONES: “I’m honored to get the top overall seed, and even though there’s no drug testing for this event, I promise to give up at least most of my turinabol metabolite gummy bears for at least a day or two. Wait, this tournament is just one night only? Excuse me. Be right back.”
GUMBEL: “Where’d he shoot off to? OK well anyway,
back to the seedings. Rounding out the No. 1 seeds, we’ve got
Daniel
Cormier, Max
Holloway, and Khabib Nurga..noogie…noob…”
NANTZ: “Hey Greg, just call him ‘Khabib.’ It’ll make everyone’s life a whole lot easier.”
GUMBEL: “Thanks and done, Jim! Ok, so we’ve got Jones, Daniel Cormier, Max Holloway and Khabib filling out our top line.”
CLARK KELLOGG: “OK gentlemen, let’s introduce our next group. Rounding out the No. 2 seeds are Conor McGregor, Robert Whittaker, Kamaru Usman and Henry Cejudo. And after that, we’ve got our No. 3 seeds -- Tyron Woodley, Stipe Miocic, Tony Ferguson and Jose Aldo.”
GUMBEL: “Thanks Clark. Pulling up the rear, but certainly bringing a fighter’s chance to the dance, we’ve got our No. 4 seeds, Jorge Masvidal, Francis Ngannou, Marlon Moraes and Kelvin Gastelum.”
NANTZ: “All right fellas, I think the committee did a great job here, but Bill, I can already see that look on your face. You feel there are a few fighters out there feeling snubbed?”
BILL RAFFERTY (wrinkling his nose in disgust): “You bet your hair dye, Jim! I can’t believe Alexander Gustafson didn’t make it. And how do you keep Junior dos Santos off the dance card? He just destroyed Derrick Lewis -- hot balls and all -- and certainly would seem to deserve a shot. And what about Yoel Romero? How can this thing be taken seriously without that dude? I wake up in cold sweats just thinking about that guy. This is a farce!”
NANTZ: “Alright Bill, thanks for your umm… thoughts, but it’s time to move on. Is the network censoring this thing? OK, in our first round, let’s set the matchups. In the East Region, we’ve got Jones vs. Ngannou, Holloway vs. Moraes, McGregor vs. Woodley, and finally Usman vs. Ferguson. And in the West, we’re looking at Cormier vs. Gastelum, Khabib vs. Masvidal, Whittaker vs. Miocic, and Cejudo vs. Aldo.
BRUCE BUFFER: “IT’S TIIIIMMMMMEEEEE!!!!”
Three hours later…
RAFFERTY: “Wow, Jim! That was some amazing action in the East Region. I can’t believe Jones barely survived Ngannou. After taking that haymaker early in the first, he sure used his athleticism to confuse the bigger guy and really take him out of his game. The McGregor-Woodley fight sure could’ve been better, though. After a dominating first round, it looked like Woodley totally lost interest. He let McGregor do whatever he wanted! McGregor walks away with the unanimous 29-28 decision.”
KELLOGG: “On the other hand, Max Holloway and Marlon Moraes may have put on the fight of the year! All action, tremendous striking, and the ‘Blessed’ one finally wore Moraes down in the third to take the late TKO stoppage. What a war. And wasn’t that unbelievable, Ferguson leaving with his therapist between the first and second rounds of his fight against Usman? I heard something about a 72-hour watch, but we can’t confirm. Sideline reporter Evan Washburn is calling sources now and will report back as soon as there are further developments.”
NANTZ: “Yeah, the mat was a little more red than gray after that Jones-Ngannou fight. In the West Region, we also had some surprises. Two minutes before his fight with Stipe Miocic, Robert Whittaker had to pull out due to that lingering hangnail he’s been dealing with. Tough break for 'Bobby Knuckles,' no doubt. And boy, that Cormier fella still has a lot in the tank. Slipped Gastelum’s best punches and worked some serious ground and pound to beat him up pretty good. In a less contested match, ‘The Eagle’ dominated Masvidal on the ground, avoiding his knockout power and mauling him like he seems to do every time out. And let’s not forget about the little guys, who really shook it up. Henry Cejudo walks away with a stunning second-round knockout of Jose Aldo. Looks like it might be time for Aldo to think about hanging the gloves up.”
KELLOGG: “All right gents, buckle up because we’re now down to the top eight fighters in the world… the Elite Eight of MMA greatness on display here! It’s going to be a fun quarterfinal round, with our matchups set. In the East, we’ve got Jones vs. Usman and a rematch of Holloway vs. McGregor -- two dream matches! And the West looks just as interesting. We’ll see Khabib going up against a game Cejudo, and in the other regional semi we’ve got a highly anticipated rematch of Miocic vs. Cormier. Let’s see how it shakes out, Jim!”
BUFFER: “IT’S TIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMEEEEE!”
Two hours later…
NANTZ: “Well I hope everybody feels they got their money’s worth with that round! For just the paltry $5 monthly ESPN+ membership, the standard $59.99 PPV fee, exclusive $125.49 ESPN+++ package, and the mandatory one-time $275.99 ‘audio/video connection fee,’ I really feel this new deal with ‘The Worldwide Leader’ is delivering the goods. And what goods we just saw! What a comeback win for Jones, who was really tested on the ground by Usman throughout the fight. Jones’ length really made the difference there. And in what was definitely the fight of the tournament, Holloway shocked McGregor with a ferocious flurry of punches and a truly superior offensive game. He was like a Swiss Army knife out there! It’s just a real shame McGregor had to bite Max’s left earlobe off two minutes into the third round. There’s no place for that in the Octagon, and the ref was right to immediately disqualify the ‘Notorious’ one. I sure hope Holloway can continue.”
RAFFERTY: “Jim, that was just a punk move by McGregor. I hope he retires again after that display of poor sportsmanship. But hey, don’t sleep on the West! ‘The Eagle’ was just too much for the smaller Cejudo, winning by unanimous decision, while Daniel Cormier showed the first time wasn’t a fluke, although he barely escaped with a hard-fought split decision win. Ultimately, the judges liked his takedowns more than Miocic’s standup prowess.”
KELLOGG: “Alright fellas, we’ve officially got our Final Four set! It’s gonna be Jones vs. what’s left of Holloway in the East, and Khabib vs. Cormier in the West.”
BRUCE BUFFER (voice finally starting to crack): “IT’S TIIIMMM….COUGH…MMMEEEE…”
One hour later…
NANTZ: “Friends, you really saw something special there. For those of you who forked over the $363.49 ‘Final Four’ ESPN+++++ plan, you really saw a couple dandies. Jon Jones got a tougher than expected match out of Max Holloway, but his size, along with having two working ear lobes, just proved too much. And similarly, Daniel Cormier outlasted Khabib, and what an amazing battle that was. Despite giving up 60 pounds, the Eagle still held his own for the first couple rounds. Cormier’s size and tenacity just proved a little too much in the end. And with that, our final is now set. A third time around to finally settle things once and for all: Jon Jones vs. Daniel Cormier.”
BRUCE BUFFER: “IT’S… DAMMIT I CAN’T DO IT NO MORE. JUST GET AFTER IT, GUYS….”
Fifteen minutes later…
KELLOGG: “And there you have it, folks! In a remarkable display of true heart and grit, a severely beat-up Daniel Cormier stuns the MMA world by finally taking out his nemesis to win 2019’s March Madness Tournament Grand Prix from Hell. He sure looked out of it after the first two rounds, but somehow got Jones on the mat and knocked his ass out cold. Brutal display of ground-and-pound, and all Jones could do was ask for another round of platelet injections. I have no idea what that could be about, Jim.”
NANTZ: “Alright friends, you’ve just witnessed the best the MMA world has to offer. Sixteen of the finest fighters giving it their all in a truly pointless exercise of journalistic time-wasting. Hats off to Daniel Cormier, our 2019 Tournament Grand Prix from Hell Champion. If he stays out of retirement and Jones stays out of his own way, perhaps we’ll see this ending in real life as well as the pages you’re reading here. The 2019 March Madness Tournament Grand Prix from Hell… a tradition like no other. Goodnight, folks.”
