Chris Holdsworth and the Uncertainty of Tomorrow

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SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- After the morning’s pro practice, Chris Holdsworth’s forehead dripped sweat in front of Urijah Faber’s Ultimate Fitness gym. Standing next to the bike rack, he smiled and parroted old school LL Cool J: “Don’t call it a comeback.” However, he did not spit the follow-up line: “I’ve been here for years.” Instead, Holdsworth told Sherdog.com, “I haven’t left. I’m still here.”

Combat sports are an out-of-sight-out-of-mind gig. For a fighter who is not on television or lacks a scheduled bout, staying in the collective conscience can be a stern challenge. That is Holdsworth’s current opponent. Lingering concussion symptoms have sidelined the Team Alpha Male rep for 16 months, and the fact that he has been at Ultimate Fitness training almost every day is not deemed noteworthy.

“A year ago, I would have told you I’d be back in a month,” Holdsworth said. “I never would have thought I would be out this long. It’s one of those things that’s going to take time, and who knows how long it’s going to take?”

There is no decisive reentry point for “The Ultimate Fighter” Season 18 winner. He won that bantamweight tournament to end November 2013. His sophomore Ultimate Fighting Championship effort came in May 24, 2014, when he scored a decision against Chico Camus at UFC 173. He has been out ever since, limiting his career in the Octagon to roughly six months. Being on the sidelines is a professional fighter’s purgatory. However, Holdsworth’s positivity is steadfast.

“I would much rather this happen now than in my mid-30s, where I have to think this might be over,” the 27-year-old said. “I accepted the fact where I’m like, even if I have to take another year off from fighting, I’m OK with that, OK?”

The more the undefeated fighter thinks about being away from live competition, the more he stresses about it, so he remains focused on dissecting and sharpening technique in the gym. He commits to teaching it, too. That translates into cornering teammates like World Series of Fighting featherweight champion Lance Palmer and UFC women’s strawweight Paige VanZant, among others.

“Now I’m more about helping others and doing what makes me feel good -- helping people get better, cornering, staying involved in the game, staying involved in the sport,” Holdsworth said. “That’s what’s important to me right now, not getting disconnected from my identity, which is Chris Holdsworth the fighter, Chris Holdsworth the martial artist.”

Being a UFC fighter is a notable identity distinction for those working their way up the ranks in MMA. There is an existential rock-and-a-hard place without fighting in the Octagon. The reality that money becomes scarce if one does not fight for too long also looms. Holdsworth saved his UFC winnings, including a $50,000 “Performance of the Night” bonus, from his debut, but it remains a challenge to not have UFC or sponsorship money coming in; his sponsors disappeared, and since the UFC shifted to its Reebok payout structure while he was away, it is almost a moot point for him. Yet Holdsworth treasures the perspective that guides him through these tribulations.

“Luckily, I’m a [jiu-jitsu] black belt. I have a lot to offer people,” said the Marc Laimon-trained bantamweight. Holdsworth finds solace in the idea that he can teach any facet of the MMA game because he has the passion and experience for it. He enjoys the role of “being that voice when people are sparring, holding people accountable,” because he understands its importance to a greater degree.

Outside of major surgery, Holdsworth has endured most of the maladies that strike other fighters: broken hands, popped ankles and knees, neck issues and more. In a sport contingent on high pain thresholds, the prevailing feeling is that damage passes soon. That is the fighters’ mentality. They know what it means to persevere through sudden or drawn-out setbacks. It is their nature.

The nature of concussions, though, is not something to regard as temporary. That is where Holdsworth has clarity on the issue. He would rather have any other injury than what he has now. Any other injury would come with a definitive conclusion, not a sizeable grey area.

“Being able to live the lifestyle I’m so used to living, which is the fight life, living that lifestyle is what I really want,” Holdsworth said before specifying that his recovery is about his career in front of him and not just one return bout. “It’s been hard, man. I’m not going to lie to you. Watching my teammates and sitting on the sidelines -- you never want to be a benchwarmer.”

The medical help Holdsworth has received “sucks,” providing one major point of frustration. His own research taught him that getting hit disturbs the vestibular system and shakes up balance. The 135-pounder exercises his balance and eye coordination every day to beat his current predicament. He cycles through 20 or 30 different exercises for 30 to 60 minutes in his rehab. The grappler keeps up with doctors but shoulders the burden to know “what to do, to do the ring things.”

“It’s a chore, man, you know what I mean,” he said. “It’s work. It’s not easy.”

Holdsworth accepted the reality that there is no need to push past uncomfortable levels in a decisive breakthrough on how to approach his return. Since there is no timeline one his comeback, there is no pressure to go harder than he should. He credits UFC matchmaker Sean Shelby for supporting him. It relieves him to know the door remains open, allowing him to focus on the recovery process. Holdsworth works out areas that may not be functioning properly during rehab. This flares up symptoms at times. It is an extra workload he carries while remaining an Ultimate Fitness mainstay. Holdsworth does everything he would be doing as an active mixed martial arts athlete at this juncture, except for sparring.

“The uncertainty is what causes anxiety,” he said. “[The time away] lets me know, like, I still want this. I’ve got unfinished business, and I’m only 27 years old.”

Understanding Sacrifice

Holdsworth shed his grey Muhammad Ali Roots of Fight tank top to relieve himself from Sacramento’s summer sun just before noon. He has a samurai tattoo sleeve on his right biceps. That ink was not there the last time he appeared on a UFC broadcast. Everything is starting to turn around, according to Holdsworth. He knows he will be fighting for the fans he gained through “The Ultimate Fighter” soon enough, his timeline still abstractly distinguished as someday.

Holdsworth’s time away from competition empowered him with better understanding of why he does it. The submission fighter remembered his formative journey into marital arts as a teenager. He looked up to his Vietnam veteran, kung fu aficionado father growing up in Van Nuys, Calif. So when he told his dad he wanted to be a Navy Seal, it was surprising the military man shot him down. The logic was Holdsworth would be safer dodging punches than bullets. There was no military outlet. He needed somewhere to put the aggression he had from enduring bullying, and he was a ready fit for martial arts.

Being in Southern California, Holdsworth heard of Gracie challenges through word of mouth and Gracies-in-Action tapes. He wanted to do jiu-jitsu and roll with and represent the Gracies. His parents had divorced, and he begged his dad to drive him all the way from the valley through nightmarish Los Angeles traffic just to take jiu-jitsu lessons at the flagship Gracie Academy in Torrance. Holdsworth reflected on how much father-son time his dad gave up during the short period he had custody to encourage his efforts on the Gracie Academy mats.

“I could tell it was kind of hurting my dad a little bit and bugging him, but he knew that’s what I wanted to do,” Holdsworth said. “That was my passion and my love. I really respect my dad for doing that.”

His father’s sacrifice prompted Holdsworth to center everything on marital arts. No matter what he had to put aside in his pursuit, he had a reassuring personal example on which to lean.

Finish Reading » Becoming a champion is contingent on his health. Holdsworth believes everything happens for a reason, and his concussion issues are no different. They forced him to step back from the fast ride that is being a UFC prospect and ruminate on the stakes. Holdsworth thinks concussion information should be at the forefront of UFC and gym cultures. The sport needs amplified emphasis on smart training for competitive longevity and long-term health, and fighters should pursue knowledge on the subject with the same fervor they bring to training.